Loving Back To Self

Photo credit: Mara – Earth Light

There is so much out there about exercise and size. So much about what you should be doing, what you should look like, even what your health should look like.

I spent the summer digging up my emotional trauma. I felt like I’d gained weight over the past months and while I wanted to lose it and while I really wanted to move my body, all I could do was hold my head above water. I spent the summer grieving. Grieving for what wasn’t, grieving for what was. I was consciously allowing myself to release whatever needed to be released from my emotional space and my body. Whatever no longer served me, I wanted to release. And while so necessary and beneficial in the long run, I don’t think I have ever experienced something so physically, spiritually and emotionally debilitating. I still feel like I’m gathering the pieces of my new, more evolved self. I can do more now, I have more energy but I could barely get out of bed in the summer.

What started out as wants and desires quickly turned into judgement and resentment. Why was it so hard to do such basic things? Why did I always feel so tired? Was my body betraying me? Why did it feel so incredibly impossible to go for a walk! I am a Health Coach, helping people figure themselves out and find their own best health is what I do! Why couldn’t I do that for myself!!

Negative thoughts and feelings have always been an easier go-to than positive ones so I snowballed into a self loathing space quite easily. Knowing this about myself makes it easier to be aware of the patterns. Obviously being critical and judgemental towards myself was not working. It didn’t make me feel any better and it wasn’t getting me any closer to moving my body.

Realizing this made me wonder if I could love myself better. What if I could love the fat away? What would happen if I took all of the “shoulds” and the judgement out of the equation? How would it feel? What if I made just one promise to myself? What if it were just one goal? Would it be more attainable?

I decided that my promise would be this: I would move my body every day. Didn’t matter what it looked like. No judgement, no expectations, whether it was cleaning our home and working up a sweat, going for a walk or getting some shopping done, whether it was dancing at home to Michael Jackson or even doing a work out video. Didn’t matter what it was, I would move my body every day and even if I didn’t, for whatever the reason, I wouldn’t beat myself up about it.

And that’s what I did. I noticed that I started to feel better. I noticed the more I practiced non judgement and making a point to offer myself the love and compassion I offer my clients and those around me, the easier it was to move. The more fun it was and the more energy I had. My time moving became me time and before I knew it I was doing workouts, actual workouts almost every day and at the moments where I wanted to quit or keel over I found myself chanting “I deserve my best life possible”, ‘I am loving my fat away”, “I am worthy of greatness”, “I am deserving of the best”, “I deserve the strongest body possible”.

I look forward to my daily morning workouts. I am closer to figuring out who this new evolved version of myself is. Getting out of bed isn’t a thing anymore and that feels all kinds of awesome.

Am I out of this chapter of self discovery? Not yet. Do I still have sad days? Absolutely. But I feel better. Last time I got on the scale I had lost 9lbs and I’m definitely ok with that. Most importantly I was able to let go of the destructive thoughts and the judgment and I got myself back on the road to evolution and healing.

Sometimes a militant attitude and a good ass kicking works.

Sometimes letting go and loving your way back to yourself works too.

Your health is yours, yes there are things that work for everyone (like exercise) but there are different ways to do go about it. The formula to what makes you feel your best is yours and it’s part of your journey to figure that out.

Love and light to you beauties. Thank you for being on this journey with me.


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