Why aren’t we talking about this?

With all of the headlines out there about people wanting to and/or leaving their life and checking out. It makes me wonder why we don’t connect with one another more.

black-and-white-person-woman-girlI find it intriguing (and a few other things) that we don’t often talk about the things that are hard for us. Especially in the age of Facebook and Instagram where we tend to post the best bits of our lives and leave the tired, woeful, pain ridden moments behind the scenes and away from the eyes of the public. I think it’s common knowledge that none of us live perfect days all the time. We’re not always looking our best let alone feeling our best. I get it. On my not so perfect days the last thing I want to do is post to the world but I noticed something this morning. When we don’t talk about those moments, no matter what they are, when we don’t share in our sadness or our suffering, we isolate ourselves.

This goes for everything, but more specifically I’m talking about women and our lack of openness or transparency around all things baby. Looking at the statistics, we don’t trip, slip and find ourselves magically pregnant. Most of the time it takes work. Work being intention, making healthy changes, changing lifestyles, even choosing to do some energetic work and ridding ourselves of emotional baggage or seeking medical help.

We seem to love sharing the moments of celebration, when we’ve passed the danger zone (3-month mark), when our bumps are big or when our beautiful babies have made their way into the world healthy and happy. But why don’t we talk about the times we’re met with disappointment when our lady-time makes an appearance, or when we’re frustrated that our plans and efforts don’t appear to be working, or even if we find ourselves in a situation where we are not equipped to take care of a baby (for whatever reason) and choose to terminate.

There have been a few women that have stepped out to speak about their grief in the midst of their pain which creates dialogue and let’s us know that we’re not alone. We need more of that.

Last year was one that I found incredible healing and insight but it was also one of the most painful periods I’ve ever experienced. I made a commitment to go deeper into the shadow of my feelings and experiences, with that came a lot of work and sifting through a lot of trauma. I had a miscarriage last year. I don’t like that word (but that’s for another blog another day). Not only did I learn just how much I wanted to have a child, I learned what deep deep grief looked like to me. It turns out that there was grief that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel for years. While I spoke to very few close friends here and there, I didn’t speak publicly about it. Not because of fear or judgment but because sometimes when I’m in the thick of it I can’t find the words to talk about it in that manner. I did however find comfort in the stories of other women. Which brings me back to the question of why we don’t talk about it.

Experiences around non-pregnancies in all of their shapes and situations are everywhere. (Non-pregnancies meaning miscarriage, abortion, infertility, the heart stopping moments of receiving your lady-time, and all of the ways in which we experience pain and trauma around pregnancy.) They are all varying degrees of painful situations that no one speaks of. Walking by you down the street, behind the lens of a happy photo, next to you on the bus. They are everywhere. 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry. Think about all of the women you know who have been or are pregnant, now times that number by 4. There are many of us out there. I recently read that as many as 75% of fertilized eggs are lost in the earliest days of pregnancy. That’s a lot! In the US 1 in 3 women are to have an abortion in their lifetime, approximately 100,000 terminations take place in Canada annually. It was reported in 2013 that 1 in 6 couples experience infertility. Non-pregnancies are common, we don’t talk about it and not talking about it is leading to isolation and suffering in silence.

Photo credit - AdamCohn via VisualHunt.com - CC BY-NC-ND

Photo credit: Adam Cohn

I recently read an article about the science behind female friendships and the power of the bond we share with other women. Once upon a time we would cook with one another, raise our children together and share our stresses with each other. We did so in communities where sisterhood was a part of the foundation. It feels like now we’re too busy posting our successes on social media to physically reach out. Of course that’s not the only reason why times have changed. The way we live has changed and unfortunately the communal sisterhood we once had is no longer there. We need to bring transparency into our story telling. We need some sort of authenticity and we need to share our stories with one another. Sharing together brings strength and it brings healing.

I’m not saying to run to the streets sharing your story or posting it anywhere on the web (unless you are called to do so). If that’s not your thing maybe look for a women’s healing circle or a meet up. Connection with our fellow sisters is paramount to our health. I wasn’t one to think so until I began to reach out and connect. One of my absolute favourite healing circles is offered by Nicole Angela – a magical Holistic Doula and Practitioner. Her healing circles are held monthly in the east end of Toronto and are well worth the trip.

If healing circles aren’t your thing, reach out. You are not alone. You are more than welcome to connect with me. No matter what you do, reach out. There is strength and unity in numbers. Healing is so essential to our psyche. There are also great lessons in healing too.


Sending love, strength and light to all of you beauties


Other articles I read and loved:

I love this woman! She’s all about authentic moments and us Queens! https://queensofconstance.com

This is a great video about friendship https://www.ted.com/talks/jane_fonda_life_s_third_act

Miscarriage: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/health-and-fitness/health/miscarrage-polite-societys-last-taboo/article15446661/


Abortion: https://www.ourbodiesourselves.org/health-info/personal-stories-of-women-who-have-had-abortions/



Infertility: https://news.nationalpost.com/health/acknowledging-the-seven-cardinal-sins-of-infertility



Image credit (top of the page): Arna Baartz

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One thought on “Why aren’t we talking about this?

  • the10principles

    This is such a great post and ideas that can be applied to anything someone is going through. When I had an eating disorder for 10 years I didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Not only did I waste a lot of energy trying to pretend everything is ok (when I could have been putting it towards getting healthy), not talking to people isolates you with misinformation.
    Thank you for sharing your story Clare and giving people ideas and next steps on how to take advantage of all the resources out they’re when going through a difficult experience.